We found the cellar on the second night as we were picking our
way slowly over a debris field and I almost fell through the
splintered trap door.
"Watch out! For Gods sake! Be careful." Tom yelled as my foot
slipped through into a void and I tumbled sideways. Before I crashed
into the bricks and broken wood he grabbed me and pulled me back.
"This is stupid." He said. "One of us will get hurt."
"Right well why are we here?" I asked angrily. "Who was it who said
we would stay put when everyone else was leaving? Who was it who
decided to head back into the zone instead of going to the medical
centre?"
"You know what we heard about the med centres and there must be a
chance we will find a place in here somewhere."
I didn't want to tell him that we would not get much further before
dark and that there were so many pockets of fire and that by clawing
our way over the debris field we could fall through into one at any
time. I didn't want to tell him because it was so bloody obvious and
anyway it hardly mattered
anymore. For the hundredth time today I resisted the urge to scream
long and hard at the top of my voice. Instead I took a look at our
two children, Lisa who was seven and Jack just three years older,
who where all out on their feet, and wondered if we would ever find
anywhere safe for a night.
"I think this is it." I said, "I don't think I can go any further.
We
are all dead on our feet.. The children can't go on. We will just
have to make some sort of shelter here." Tom just nodded in reply.
We began to gather some of the debris which could make some sort of
shelter for us. But when Tom tried to move the panel my foot had
gone through, he discovered the opening with the wooden stairway
leading down into a black hole. Our torch showed that they led down
into a cellar and although it
was damp and musty, and Lisa insisted she could hear something
moving round down in the dark, we decided that this was to be the
place we would spend the night. Tom went down first and set up some
of the candles from our survival pack, then shouted for us. I
followed with the children. The space that opened up as we climbed
down the stairway was dry and at least had a roof and was enclosed.
The cellar had been a large storage area and workshop with wooden
crates and cardboard boxes stacked against one wall and shelves full
of tools and work benches against the other. There was a light smell
of sawn wood and some crates in various stages of manufacture. There
had been a collapse and the roof at the far end had caved in, but in
spite of this the rest of the roof was secure and appeared safe. We
rummaged round and found some useful items. There were cardboard
boxes and we took out the packing, bundled together some old paper
and bits of a broken box and carefully lit a fire near the foot of
the stair. Other cardboard boxes were broken up and flattened to
make beds and we placed a packing case and a wooden crate for a
table with four small boxes for seats. I took out the last of the
food from my pack. Tom took the last few pieces of our bread and
examined them. Then he took a pocket knife and scraped off the mould
which was starting to appear. I made a couple of dry sandwiches from
the bread and the bits of cheese that were left and was starting to
wrap the odd bits of cheese when Tom came over and whispered to me.
"Use it all, we won't need any more after tonight."
We sat round the table to eat the sandwiches.
"Is that all there is mum?" Jack asked when he saw his sandwich.
"Yes." I replied. "That's all for now but here you are you can have
mine too. I'm not hungry." I cut my piece of sandwich in half and
gave a piece to each of the children. . "Here,." said Tom, "you can
have mine too. But when you have had that you need to sleep."
They eat in airy silence, sitting quietly, chewing slowly, their
eyes wide with tiredness and fear.. My two bubbly giggling children
were just a memory now. Over the past few days they had become
quieter as we had trudged from one Army Decon unit to the next, each
time only to be turned away to follow other trudging people to the
next one.
"We will see if we can find something else for the morning but for
now you need to sleep."
He hesitated for a moment then reached into his trouser pocket and
took out the pill box a soldier had given him at the checkpoint
earlier today before he had turned us back.
"If we all take three of these we will get a good sleep and I am
sure we will find some help tomorrow." He put the box on the table
and turned away, then as an after thought he reached across and
kissed the children and smiled. "I'm just going to look round
outside. Take the tablets and get a good sleep" He said and climbed
up the steps to the entrance. I looked at the pill box then slowly
took it and opened it. As I emptied the tablets onto my hand I felt
like laughing. Once again here I was having to take responsibility
for the family. I sorted out the tablets, gave three each to the
children and gave them the last of the water to help them swallow.
Lisa and Jack lay down on the makeshift beds and I put their coats
over them like blankets. I sat on the floor between them and for a
few minutes I stroked their heads and hummed. They were so tired
that they just lay very quiet and still and then in moments they
were asleep. Gradually all sounds of breathing stopped.
I followed Tom up the steps to the opening. It was dark now. He was
sitting on a ledge at the top of the stairs looking out across the
wasteland. He turned when he heard me his face streaming with tears.
And each tear track cut through the grime and reflected the light
from the cellar like rods of lightening.
"Is it....? Are they.? He asked.. I nodded
"How could it have happened?" He asked, "Someone must have known.
They must."
I stayed silent, too tired to speak, too sad to blame anyone, too
torn with grief to care why it had been my job to hand out the
pills. I sat on the ledge and held out my hand, Tom reached over to
take it, but instead I opened it and he saw the three tablets I had
brought for him. He took them from me and for a moment looked like
he was going to hug me, or kiss me or say something that mattered
instead, "I don't understand any of this." was all he said. Then he
pushed the tablets into his mouth and struggled to swallow them. He
coughed and started to gag. "Water" was all he managed to
say. I ran down to see if there was any water left for him, grabbed
the bottle but it was empty and when I got back he was lying still
propped against a low wall with his feet dangling into the cellar
and a tortured strangled look on his face..
I sat for a while next to him at the edge of the opening, looking
round at the flattened and burning buildings, the mounds of rubble
that had been the markers for people's lives. I wondered why it had
come to this, but as always there were only more questions and no
answers.
After sitting for a while, I dragged him down into the cellar and
lay him next to the children and I lay down on the floor between
Lisa and Jack. The sores that had been growing on my arms and face
were hurting now and I was starting to feel sick. I took out the
pill box and looked at David in the dying glow. "You didn't count
them, you bastard. You couldn't even get that right for me." As the
fire died I lay between my children and hoped sleep would come soon.
By Jim Bennett